New Found Joy

Something inside of me has changed. I've decided that allowing other people's choices to steal my daily joy has gone on long enough. Maybe too long.

My joyousness began yesterday when I really felt like I made a difference in a young man's day. You see he is one of my dearest students. He has carved out a place in my heart and he was by himself on the playground, shootin' hoops.

I was about to go inside and work, when I thought I would go and talk to him. I asked him if I could shoot hoops with him and he gave his normal shrug of the shoulders and grunting of "sure". So I shot a few basket and finally we began to chat about why he was playing all by himself. Apparently he had lost the privilege of playing kick ball. We talked about that and he said all the other kids would rather play kickball and he apparently was not happy about it. In a few minutes we went from just shootin' around to "playing" basketball. Shortly another young boy came to play against Mrs. Cook. Then two young girls came to join me and eventually almost the entire class was there playing a hard core game of basketball.

I can't help but think that if I had not taken the steps toward that basketball goal, his afternoon would not have been spent with a smile on his face- and maybe mine would have been gone too.

Then when I woke up today I just decided that I was not going to let the "world" get me down. I was going to be the person I wanted to be and not let anyone or anything tell me any differently.

I went to church. Worshiped. Was fed by the Spirit. That is when I realized that it had been slightly longer than 24 hours since I had felt down and out. Felt the pressures of the world. and even since I had any feeling of sorrow!

To be clear, nothing has changed at work. There is no job on the horizon. Our adoption is still off for now, but for the first time since March 5th I have joy where I used to have pain and sorrow.

God is so Good!

Lord Let me Be...

Lord, Let me be the woman you created me to be. Let me be the teacher I have committed to being. Let me be a barnicle that attached itself to you the ROck and solid foundation. Let my feet be sure. Let my words be truth. Let my heart be yours. Let my life be what you will. But Lord, mostly today, let me be rejuvinated in the Spirit. Let the meadows of my life bloom with flowers and rejuvinated life. Father I pray fo life today. Lord let me be alive in You today.

Wondering if I should allow myself to wonder...

This is going to be a pretty personal blog. If you don't want to read about lady cycles (really just the timing of them) then you may not want to continue...

So, since losing weight I've returned to having a lady cycle. At first it was once every 2 months and then it was once every 6 weeks and then finally in March I had my first 28 day cycle in almost 10 years. It was glorious to think that my body was being victorious. So, of course since Nick and I are still "trying" we counted the days and did the right stuff on the right days. You must also know that I've added a little bit of the weight back to my body- all the while figuring out that yes I am an emotional eater. Well, here it is 5 weeks later and I am wondering if I should even allow myself to wonder at the potential of this "lateness". Yes I realize that "lateness" can be due to many different things, and yes maybe it is just wishful thinking, but here is a piece of Truth for you to consider before weighing in - since I have so many readers/commenters out there... god made a promise to answer prayers and to give us the desires of our hearts. God can heal people and has in the past. God gave me a verse mantra for this year and I feel very strongly that this is my year. (I may be thinking Hallie time instead of God time, but that is not unusual...)

In April there was no hint of a cycle. Well, that is not 100% true. Once right before my mom's visit there was one time that I sat down to tinkle and a little spotting had occurred, but I would not consider that a monthly cycle. Not even close to it.

So what do I do? I guess I'll just sit around and wait. I guess if I start throwing up in the next few days or weeks I'll have my answer. right?

Big weekend

Nick and I have these dear friends that we get together with practically weekly. Their youngest has called it the BIG family, so we hung on to it. This weekend the Big family is gathering (daily) to celebrate a comfirmation into the church, a baseball game, soccer games, and a baptism. I am so looking forward to this time together. It will be such a special weekend.

Here's to you Harry D Bear! We love ya!

Total Protection

We all imagine what our lives will be like in the future. We plan for marriage, we plan for parenthood, and for our future career. Somewhere in there if you are a church goer, (I say that because even though you may or may not go to church regularly does not say anything about your relationship with Christ) you decide that since you are a Christian everythin will work out for you. Don't worry I made that mistake too. I assumed that since God was looking out for me, that He would be the heliocopter parent that swoops in and would never let me bump my head or skin my knee. After all what loving parent wants to see their child hurting. Right? ... right? ... WRONG!



You see, in my 'old age' (almost but not quite yet 30) I have come through more pain and tough times in the past 6 years than I ever planned for- really in the past nearly 30 years, but I don't want to get into the long ago stuff). Each time God has a new piece of Himself to give me. The first major pain lesson was humilty. I thought I had this perfect job wrapped up and tucked away in my pocket- WHACK! Here is your lesson. Do NOT think more of yourself than you should.



The second pain lesson came less than a year later, when I had gotten reassigned at my job. This was the lesson of planning or trying to dictate to God what He was going to do... WHACK! Nick and I had the perfect plan. After working for only one year, we would have paid off all of our college financial mistakes and my student loans, we would then purchase two new cars and get our first house. God must have laughed for a LONG time about that one... Nick and I are still paying for those mistakes, still driving those same old cars, and have just now spent the last 6 months in our beautiful new to us home. Lesson learned- God has a plan of his own and no matter how hard you plan for your life, if it isn't what God has planned for you, guess what. You'll be on the floor with me and all the other people who are getting pain lesson right along side of us.



Life throws curve balls at you. Thigs you don't plan for. Shortly after this latest lesson, I go and take care of my mom after her knee surgery. When I came back, Nick and I decided to start a family. We had been married for a year and even though I wasn't working, it just seemed the right thing to do. This is the pain lesson that just keeps coming... Patience with a little bit of Trust me poured on the top... 5 years later and we are still childless. God's plan for our family did not begin in 2005 as we thought it would. This road has been the longest. Ths pain lesson has been the hardest. That could only mean one thing. This pain lesson will have the best results!



For awhile, that was the only pain lesson God was teaching me. For awhile things were great. but just when you think it is smooth sailing, the waters get choppy and the wind starts knocking you from one side of the boat to the other. Super news! Here is you rnext pain lesson.



I know you must be thinking, how many more pain lessons can there be? Haven't I learned enough? Haven't I proven myself to you? Remember this- we NEVER stop learning!



Th most recent pain lesson is this- Know who your friends are. Trust that I have something better for you. Do not fret over where you will live, what you will eat, or how will you pay the bills. God is working on me right now. He wants me trust Him to provide exactly what we need. It is funny to see how my ideas of what i need are changing. my priorities are different just in the past few months.

Don't come to Jesus thinking that it means smooth sailing and that there will be no more trouble. Think of it as your total Protection Plan. Yes our Father is going to protect you from the really bad stuff. However this Protection Plan is just what it sounds like. A hand under your boat to keep it afloat and guide it along the way. He is the lighthouse by which you can guide your ship through a storm.

Look to the Father when you are suffering during one of his Pain lessons... Look for me. I get them a lot! :)

Praying for each day

Father,
I come to you softly. Praying for each day to run smoothly. Asking you to bless the people around me. Seeking your arms to hold me when I am weak, afraid, sad, lonely, or melting. I beg for forgiveness, for confidence, for encouragement. I pour over the thought of you, over the picture I have of you in a comfy recliner with your huge arms outstretched beckoning me to come and let you old me and comfort me as only a father can do. Today, and everyday, Lord I seek you to find me and make me who you want me to be. Give me your love for others. Show me where to reach out, tell me who I need to pray with. Guide my every word, action, and step.
Amen.

People disappoint me

You know how sometimes situations just fall into your lap and you may act without thinking or maybe you act with someone else's best interest in mind- you think you are doing the right thing. Well, this situation recently presented itself, and I allowed it to play out. I was honest with people and helpful and what do I get? I end up losing four friends and all over something I didn't even ask for.

I am very disappointed by this. I have been nothing but a faithful and loving friend to these people and when one thing happens that they don't like they turn on me as if I was never their friend.

I am so tired of fake friends or people who want to be around you only out of convenience. They use you and leave you when they are done with you. I'm done. I'm done trying to be friends with people. I'm done being the one who always goes the extra mile. If you want to be with me, if you think I add value to your life, then you know where to find me.