Forgiveness

So lately forgiveness has been weighing heavy on my heart.

So I have been replaying all kinds of memories in my head starting with as early as I can remember.  I have no boundaries here with forgiveness.  

Several times people and events will just randomly pop into my head.  But this morning I was awoken from a  very vivid dream and knew right away this person needed to be at the top of my forgiveness list.  

I won't get into the  specifics of what I am forgiving this person for nor will I publicly name her, but I want to share my dream and my idea for reaching that goal of forgiveness.

Dream:

Nick and I were entering a Tuesday Morning store and one of my favorite tellers at Nick's work was the check out girl.  We were shopping around and all of a sudden this former friend of mine walks by and says hello.  I politely respond with hello and continue walking.  She turns around and begins to ask me questions regarding some of the things I had planned in my previous employment.  I answered, but found myself giving very abrupt answers and trying to hold back my responses.  I could feel myself getting frustrated. Eventually i just turned around and screamed at her "QUIT TALKING TO ME" The look on her face was first startled, as she has never heard me fight with someone let along yell at them. then almost as quickly she yelled back "I was just asking you a question"  my response was simply "Well I don't want to answer questions for you" "Why not" "Why are you asking me anyway?" "because you are the one who came up with the ideas" "Why are they good enough now, but when I was still there you said if I were going to be there the next year you were leaving?"  (all of that was still screaming at each other.)  This is when I woke up and realized that I still held some pretty serious feelings against this former friend.

My plan for forgiveness:

Every time I hear the word forgiveness or think the word or think of this person (which seems like a lot lately)   I say every good thing that I can think of about that person and then I make sure to pray for them also.

So now my biggest question is what does forgiveness look like.  If I look only at Christ's example, which is my initial thought, I would fully embrace these people if they ever came back into my life.  although there are people who it not be wise to allow full access to my life again.  my second thought is for that reasoning- that while I harbor no ill wishes for them and do not allow them to effect my thoughts, feelings and actions, I allow a buffer between the two of us.  

What does true Christian forgiveness look like?  How is it achieved?  Is it necessary to relive those painful memories and search through the muck to find a foothold for forgiveness, or can it simply be done by speaking the truth of forgiveness into that situation?  

Father- as I seek to grow deeper into fellowship with you, and as I seek to be more like you- offering true forgiveness to those who have hurt and harmed me- I pray that you be with me and bless the efforts I am putting toward this.  You have placed my feet upon this journey of forgiveness for a purpose.  I believe it is more than simply to feel free, it is deeper than a feeling.  You have challenged me to grow in this area and to develop an understanding of forgiveness, so that ultimately I will forgive myself in some pretty big ways.  You are calling me to a deeper relationship with you and in order for that to happen these are the steps I have to take.  Be with me as I step towards you in this.  Help me to knock down barriers and continue to bring people and situations to my heart so that every wall is torn down.  Put people in my path and give me opportunities to speak forgiveness to people and ask for forgiveness from them if need be.  Humble my heart so that I can recognize when I am the barrier that needs broken down.  As always, I am your servant.  Lead the way and I will follow.  In Jesus's Precious and Holy Name I pray. Amen!

Who was that girl?

This is a picture of me and an ex-boyfriend of mine circa 1995.

This was my favorite style.  Jeans, plain white tshirt, and unbuttoned button down flannel (usually my older brother's).  Although you can't see them, I was probably wearing a clunky black suede and white leather shoe, that was my favorite pair of shoes- second only to a brown leather chunky shoe.

The boy on the left side of the picture played a big role in my life for three years.  We started dating during the spring of my seventh grade year.  He was older, an either grader, and he noticed me.  His friend says that he noticed me walking in the hall while his class was having computer class.  Imagine me walking by while you and your friends are having typing lessons or playing Oregon Trail or maybe Where in the World is Carmen Sandiego... He turns to his friend, who i had known through elementary school or something, and asking "Who is that?"  I imagine the conversation went something like this:
Friend: "Who? That girl?  Oh her name is Hallie. "  
Future BF: "you know her????!?!?!?"
friend: "sure.  I could introduce you if you want."
future bf: "well, you know, that would be cool."


Fast forward to track practice awhile later and in the gym, my friend Jon introduces me to Luke.  I remember not really thinking anything of it at the time.  Just a boy meeting a girl.  Of course I gave him my phone number, but never in my wildest dreams did I expect him to call.  but I still remember the sound of his voice.  I still remember the awkward first conversation that lasted for hours and by the time I got off the phone I knew Luke and I would at least be good friends.


It was at a track meet on tax day, April 15th, that I met his mom.  She was so young and beautiful, i actually asked if she was his sister.  I won major brownie points with her and that evening Luke asked me to "GO OUT".  I was pleased as punch and so head over heals for him.  


The rest of the school year, if we weren't together, we were talking on the phone.  He became more than my boyfriend.  He was my best friend.  He could make me laugh and laugh!  He and Jon knew some guy who had an extra room that he let Luke and Jon hang out in, so one day the three of us headed there.  Not because we wanted to escape parental control, but because Luke's parents weren't home, and Jon's parents weren't home either.  We had no place to go really.  We listened to music and laughed.  We talked about track and about the future.  This is were Luke and I shared our first kiss.  


I remember my first real kiss, but this first kiss knocked that one WAY out of the park.  I never wanted to stop kissing him.  nothing else.  just kissing.


Luke 'graduated' from either grade and we swore that even though next year would be hard, we would make it work.  It was the summer that tore us apart.


He went to live with his cousins in Canton, IL to work on their land for the summer.  it was excruciating!  i punished myself by sleeping on my bedroom floor and not leaving the house except to deliver my paper route for at least half the summer.  Remember this was before cell phones, email, texting, etc.  I spent my time writing notes and letters to Luke.  I kept them in a plastic gumball jar from sam's next to my summer pallet...


My friend Jyl, finally convinced me to do something with her.  during the course of this time I met a new boy.    His name was Josh.  He was a little on the 'wild' side.  just enough to be really exciting!  Man did he want to go out with me.  I eventually gave in to his flirtations and the dimples in his cheeks.  

The very day Luke got home from Canton, I called him and over the phone I broke his heart.  I never meant to hurt him.  In fact I was completely honest with him.  I told him that I had kissed Josh and I would completely understand if he wanted to break up with me.  I wasn't going out with Josh anymore, but it is that trust thing that we had somehow lost.

The summer finally ended and i began my either grade year a single girl!  funny that I had begun every other year of school as a single girl, but this year it was more important.  Around the time of my birthday in September, I heard from Luke.  He had gotten a job.  He sacked groceries at  a small grocery market near his house and did I want to come over to his house on Thursday night to talk?

YES YES YES I absolutely wanted to see him again.  Who was I without Luke by my side.  I missed him so much.  of course we began dating again and Thursday nights were our nights.  We sat on the couch in his family room with his mom and step father and watched ER.  Then we would sometimes go for walks around the neighborhood, and sometimes just sit on the front porch and talk.  Thursdays were my favorite nights and no other day compared to them.  something about Luke had changed.

At the time, I thought it was the stress of his job and being in high school, but looking back I know he changed the day I told him about Josh.  we fought on the phone a lot and eventually thursday nights weren't enough to keep us together.  By Thanksgiving we had broken up again.

I started to date another guy in 8th grade named Scott in the spring.  we were in a play together and had a lot in common.  after our own 8th grade graduation after a few weeks of summer freedom, my friend and I went for a walk.  We walked to Scott's house, but he was not home, so we kept walking and we found ourselves in Luke's neighborhood.  My stomach turned flip flops inside of me as we knocked on his door.  When no one answered my heart sunk to the souls of my feet.  But then as if angels had tickled him, I heard Luke's boisterous laughter about two houses down.  So my friend, being fearless, went and knocked on the door of the neighbors who told us to come around back.

I can see it even still today.  Luke's eyes, as blue as the sky, and the shock of seeing me.  the smile that lit up his face.  I asked him once what his first thought was when he saw me come around the side of that house, and his answer was "I thought, 'My princess has come back to me!'"  my heart melted into his embrace and it was like we had never broken up.  By 10 pm that night I had called Scott and broken up with him by simply saying I was still in love with Luke.

The next few months were heavenly.  but the months that followed them, after school started again, were far from it.

I began this blog by asking Who was that girl in the picture.  That girl was me.  during those not so heavenly months. I was Luke's princess for sure.  but more than that I was fearless around him.  I was confident.  I felt beautiful- even when things were bad I still knew I was beautiful.

Where did that girl go?  When did I let her escape?  What do I need to do to get her back, or at least a part of her...

Here we go again!

Well, I just took my first dosage of Clomid since the miscarriage.

My feelings are ALL messed up!  Excited for the prospect of becoming pregnant.  Worried that my body will not keep a pregnancy.  Sad for the lost little one.  weary of trying and of waiting.

I know God is going to give us a child.  He has told me that.  For now, however I need to focus on me.  I have spent so much of my existence these past 8 years being "the girl who can't get pregnant" (maybe they should write a book about it...) that I have just let myself disappear.

Who am I?
What do I like to do?
What music do I like?
Who do I like to spend time with?
What do I like to do?
What do I like to eat?
How do I like to wear my hair?

Do you know that it had been 4 years since I had my hair cut?  4 YEARS!!!!!!  How does a girl go 4 YEARS without at least a trim?  So if you see me doing something you have never seen me doing before, or laughing a little louder than you are used to, it is okay.  I am just trying to find the girl I once was.  The girl who people used to like to be around.   The silly, confident girl who likes to stick her tongue out in pictures... heck the girl who used to get her picture taken and used to take care of herself.

Pray for us as we continue this journey.  Pray for me as I begin to seek the carefree girl I used to be.

Negative

Well, I took my pregnancy test and you can tell by the subject line, that it was negative.  In the moments when I feel that I have nothing left to give- I give it all to God.  I am not strong enough, so I depend on Him to be strong enough for both of us.  I know He can do it.  He is big enough to carry this for me and He is worthy enough for me to continue to trudge on through the mud and the muck.  When my heart feels empty and I trust that He will fill it with joy when I turn to Him.  When I see no point in continuing on, I remember the people who are fighting beside me and warring for me and it gives me strength enough to get on my knees.

The journey is long, and the wait is difficult, but I am assured of His promise of fruit.  Praise God from whom all blessings flow.  Praise Him all creatures here below. Praise Him above ye heavenly hosts.  Praise Father, Son, and Holy Ghost. Amen.

James 1:17

What a difference 3 weeks makes

3 weeks ago I was sitting in my OBGYN's office having known for 3 weeks that I was finally pregnant.  Now three weeks later I am sitting on my couch watching Dharma and Greg about and writing about not being pregnant anymore.

I no longer cry everyday... although I think about our baby each day.

In a week or so we can begin our treatments again.  So at least there is something to look forward to.  Although to be honest I am fearful to try again.  Fearful of having the same outcome again.  It is an unhealthy fear, i realize this, but it is real and present.

Pray with us against this fear and against attacks from the Evil one.

Remembering our Bumblebee

So, It has been 2 weeks since our miscarriage.  I would like to say that I am back to my normal self, but I'm not.  I feel fine.  There are no physical issues to worry about, but if I'm being honest here, and why wouldn't I be, I just don't FEEL normal.  Maybe I never will again.

Something has changed in me.  It seems silly that I would have these feelings after only being 5weeks along when I lost her.  I always called our baby her... it drove Nick crazy as there was no way to know for sure.  I will probably continue to refer to it as a female also.  I am a changed person.

I used to say that "God would never plan a miscarriage for my life, because He knows that would send me over the edge."  I really thought that was a true statement also.  So to say that I am surprised that I am not in a clinically depressive state is an understatement.  and actually I would say that 7 years ago, actually even 2 years ago, I would say that this is true as I was not in the same place then that I am now.  I was WEAKER.  I depended on God for the big stuff, but wasn't trusting Him to carry me through it- maybe just to meet me on the other side.

Losing my job at St. Pauls, along with all of the people that I thought to be my best friends at the time, prepared me for this loss.  I'm not saying that these are the same thing, but in that moment in time 2 years ago, I HAD to trust Him.  I HAD to put on my full armor everyday just to finish the school year and face the people each day who I used to call friend who at that time were making my work place a living and breathing Hell.  My Father carried me through those days and gently placed my feet upon a solid foundation at the end of that journey.  Had I not had that experience, and known that God cared about me personally INCLUDING my little stuff, there is no way that I could have made it through this without a deep dip into the depression pool.

My heart still longs for that little baby.  I haven't yet turned off the pregnancy tickers on my cell phone and ipad, so each week I get a reminder of where my Bumblebee would be if she were still with me.  7 weeks and 2 days... but who's counting?  What good is remembering or tracking?  There is no good in it, there is no use for it, but actually turning those off means that I have fully moved on, and I don't feel ready for that.  I don't feel ready to let her go and forget that she would have been developing arms and legs at this point.

So I remember her, and think of her daily.  I miss "tummy talks" with Nick.  Each night he talked to her and prayed for her.  I miss talking to her in the car and teaching her about bad drivers and pet peeves (in the same discussion).  I miss knowing that she is there.  I miss having that tangible reminder that God keeps His promises and honors faithfulness and perseverance.  Not that I am saying that there is nothing tangible in my life to remind me of those things, but this is the LONGEST I have had to wait for anything and to have it finally within sight and then to see it go with such finality is hard.

We planted two rose bushes the day after we received final word from our doctor.  I plan to find a Bumblebee garden decoration to put there among the roses.  Nick and I talked about getting little Bumblebee tattoos, but haven't made any definite moves in that direction.  We still seek out Bumblebee items for a tangible reminder, but somehow none of that stuff feels like enough.  In reality they are just things and could never take the place of our child.

So, if when you see me you think, there is just something a little different about her, remember that I went on record first as saying that I am different now.  I don't have any strong desires to be around other people. One or two at a time is probably just about right.  If I am in a large group and don't speak, it is because there is nothing to say that won't somehow and in someway bring me back to the thought of our loss.

It is a strange turn of events that I am a hostess for a baby shower for a dear friend of mine this coming weekend.  Even as I was mourning the probable loss of my baby, I was making shower invites for her, and even now that it is the week before I am spending my time making a baby quilt as her gift.  Honestly it is all helping me to continue on.  Helping me to heal.  I still tear up when I think of her and the life we will not get to live together, but I know that God is carrying me through this.  He is going to place my feet once again on solid ground and I will be stronger for it.

Infertility Journey

So, in December Nick and I decided to take a new step in our 7 year journey to parenthood.  We made the decision to begin Clomid treatments to see if that would help us begin our family.  Our doctor was so positive and said she thought, based on our medical history that this would be a great option for us.  Fear and held us back from making this decision earlier in this journey.  We began by taking 50mg for days 4-8 of my cycle.  Then I had to take ovulation tests daily from day 7 to 28.

The first cycle worked as expected.  I ovulated, but did not become pregnant.  Then in January, I took the same amount of Clomid, but this time I did not ovulate.  My doctor said that this is not abnormal.  We increased the dosage to 100 mg and I ovulated again.  This time I became pregnant.

You can imagine my excitement to see a positive test after just over 7 yrs of negative tests.  I wanted to wait to tell Nick until I had a chance to take a few more tests.  Those of you who know me well, can guess that that did not happen.  He knew by 10 am.  Within the next week I took three more pregnancy tests and all of them were positive.  So I made the call to my doctor to make an appointment to hear the good news from her.

My appointment was made for Good Friday.  I would be 5 weeks for my first visit and I was so excited.  Watching Nick's joy and excitement grow was such a blessing to me.   There are no words to describe the transition from husband to father that took place so easily and in such a short amount of time.  When we were at the doctor's office I began bleeding and my doctor said that I was probably having a miscarriage, but she said it is possible that I could still have a healthy pregnancy with bleeding at this stage.  We drew some blood and were told to take it easy over the weekend and come back on Monday for additional blood work to determine the viability of the pregnancy.

The good news is that it looks as though the treatments can work.  Additionally, we get to try three more ovulatory months with the Clomid.  so in Nick's words, "We have more bullets."  The doctor and I didn't get it at first either, but yes we have more chances before having to take the next step in this infertility journey.