What a difference 3 weeks makes

3 weeks ago I was sitting in my OBGYN's office having known for 3 weeks that I was finally pregnant.  Now three weeks later I am sitting on my couch watching Dharma and Greg about and writing about not being pregnant anymore.

I no longer cry everyday... although I think about our baby each day.

In a week or so we can begin our treatments again.  So at least there is something to look forward to.  Although to be honest I am fearful to try again.  Fearful of having the same outcome again.  It is an unhealthy fear, i realize this, but it is real and present.

Pray with us against this fear and against attacks from the Evil one.

Remembering our Bumblebee

So, It has been 2 weeks since our miscarriage.  I would like to say that I am back to my normal self, but I'm not.  I feel fine.  There are no physical issues to worry about, but if I'm being honest here, and why wouldn't I be, I just don't FEEL normal.  Maybe I never will again.

Something has changed in me.  It seems silly that I would have these feelings after only being 5weeks along when I lost her.  I always called our baby her... it drove Nick crazy as there was no way to know for sure.  I will probably continue to refer to it as a female also.  I am a changed person.

I used to say that "God would never plan a miscarriage for my life, because He knows that would send me over the edge."  I really thought that was a true statement also.  So to say that I am surprised that I am not in a clinically depressive state is an understatement.  and actually I would say that 7 years ago, actually even 2 years ago, I would say that this is true as I was not in the same place then that I am now.  I was WEAKER.  I depended on God for the big stuff, but wasn't trusting Him to carry me through it- maybe just to meet me on the other side.

Losing my job at St. Pauls, along with all of the people that I thought to be my best friends at the time, prepared me for this loss.  I'm not saying that these are the same thing, but in that moment in time 2 years ago, I HAD to trust Him.  I HAD to put on my full armor everyday just to finish the school year and face the people each day who I used to call friend who at that time were making my work place a living and breathing Hell.  My Father carried me through those days and gently placed my feet upon a solid foundation at the end of that journey.  Had I not had that experience, and known that God cared about me personally INCLUDING my little stuff, there is no way that I could have made it through this without a deep dip into the depression pool.

My heart still longs for that little baby.  I haven't yet turned off the pregnancy tickers on my cell phone and ipad, so each week I get a reminder of where my Bumblebee would be if she were still with me.  7 weeks and 2 days... but who's counting?  What good is remembering or tracking?  There is no good in it, there is no use for it, but actually turning those off means that I have fully moved on, and I don't feel ready for that.  I don't feel ready to let her go and forget that she would have been developing arms and legs at this point.

So I remember her, and think of her daily.  I miss "tummy talks" with Nick.  Each night he talked to her and prayed for her.  I miss talking to her in the car and teaching her about bad drivers and pet peeves (in the same discussion).  I miss knowing that she is there.  I miss having that tangible reminder that God keeps His promises and honors faithfulness and perseverance.  Not that I am saying that there is nothing tangible in my life to remind me of those things, but this is the LONGEST I have had to wait for anything and to have it finally within sight and then to see it go with such finality is hard.

We planted two rose bushes the day after we received final word from our doctor.  I plan to find a Bumblebee garden decoration to put there among the roses.  Nick and I talked about getting little Bumblebee tattoos, but haven't made any definite moves in that direction.  We still seek out Bumblebee items for a tangible reminder, but somehow none of that stuff feels like enough.  In reality they are just things and could never take the place of our child.

So, if when you see me you think, there is just something a little different about her, remember that I went on record first as saying that I am different now.  I don't have any strong desires to be around other people. One or two at a time is probably just about right.  If I am in a large group and don't speak, it is because there is nothing to say that won't somehow and in someway bring me back to the thought of our loss.

It is a strange turn of events that I am a hostess for a baby shower for a dear friend of mine this coming weekend.  Even as I was mourning the probable loss of my baby, I was making shower invites for her, and even now that it is the week before I am spending my time making a baby quilt as her gift.  Honestly it is all helping me to continue on.  Helping me to heal.  I still tear up when I think of her and the life we will not get to live together, but I know that God is carrying me through this.  He is going to place my feet once again on solid ground and I will be stronger for it.

Infertility Journey

So, in December Nick and I decided to take a new step in our 7 year journey to parenthood.  We made the decision to begin Clomid treatments to see if that would help us begin our family.  Our doctor was so positive and said she thought, based on our medical history that this would be a great option for us.  Fear and held us back from making this decision earlier in this journey.  We began by taking 50mg for days 4-8 of my cycle.  Then I had to take ovulation tests daily from day 7 to 28.

The first cycle worked as expected.  I ovulated, but did not become pregnant.  Then in January, I took the same amount of Clomid, but this time I did not ovulate.  My doctor said that this is not abnormal.  We increased the dosage to 100 mg and I ovulated again.  This time I became pregnant.

You can imagine my excitement to see a positive test after just over 7 yrs of negative tests.  I wanted to wait to tell Nick until I had a chance to take a few more tests.  Those of you who know me well, can guess that that did not happen.  He knew by 10 am.  Within the next week I took three more pregnancy tests and all of them were positive.  So I made the call to my doctor to make an appointment to hear the good news from her.

My appointment was made for Good Friday.  I would be 5 weeks for my first visit and I was so excited.  Watching Nick's joy and excitement grow was such a blessing to me.   There are no words to describe the transition from husband to father that took place so easily and in such a short amount of time.  When we were at the doctor's office I began bleeding and my doctor said that I was probably having a miscarriage, but she said it is possible that I could still have a healthy pregnancy with bleeding at this stage.  We drew some blood and were told to take it easy over the weekend and come back on Monday for additional blood work to determine the viability of the pregnancy.

The good news is that it looks as though the treatments can work.  Additionally, we get to try three more ovulatory months with the Clomid.  so in Nick's words, "We have more bullets."  The doctor and I didn't get it at first either, but yes we have more chances before having to take the next step in this infertility journey.

A New Step

Well, It has been a while since i have posted anything... I guess I've been busy, or maybe I've had too much on my mind to actually post anything.  Who knows.  Here I am though.

Nick and I, as many of you know, have been wanting to start our family for many years.  As of yesterday, we are going to take Clomid to try to conceive.  This has always been on the table, but for so long neither of us felt like God was leading us in that direction.  Times have changed though and now we feel that God has shifted that plate in front of us and said, "Eat".

So we ask for this from our prayer warrior friends:  We ask that you pray for us, along side of us, that this will work for us.  It has a very good reputation for success, but may not work.  We also ask that you pray that God will bless us with assurance and confidence in His plan for us.

My journey through Leviticus

So as I am continue to read Leviticus, I am wondering what would it have been like to be there on that first day when all the offerings had been given at the Tent of Meeting and out of no where fire comes down from the sky and consumes the offering? All of this comes from Leviticus 7-9, mostly 9.

The scripture tells us that the people shouted and fall on their faces. Here you are observing the first offering in this awesome place and the glory of the Lord shows up- better than awesome! and then as if that isn't enough fire comes out from before the Lord and consumes these offerings that had just been made on your behalf.

I'm wondering what was in the minds of those people. I'd love to hear the stories they have to tell. I would imagine some would say 'I was doing my daily routine and Moses called out to us. So I put down what I was doing and was one of the first to arrive. Then Aaron and his sons start throwing blood on me. My wife is not going to like getting the blood stains out of this tunic! and then after the blood, Aaron blesses us. Then this wonderful, peaceful feeling came over me as I knew that something awesome was happening. A cloud descended from the sky and the presence of the Lord was felt by all who were around. Then suddenly seemingly out of no where fire comes down and captures the offerings. I am awestruck and the only thing I can do is shout praises to the Lord and fall to my knees with my face to the ground. This is a day I will remember for all time!'

Try to find a moment today to be so amazed by what God has done that the only thing you can do is shout praises to the Lord and fall face down onto your knees. He is good in all things.

Leviticus 1-3

*Note- Yesterday when I originally posted this, I had posted it as Numbers 1-3... But I really was in Leviticus. Enjoy!

I am reading Leviticus right now. I'm not sure why Leviticus, but that is where I am. This morning I read the first three chapters. To sum it all up, it is about what you are giving to the Lord. It is very redundant- which says to me there must be something in this. Bring your first fruits- bring your best. No matter what you bring, in this case as an offering- grain, animal, fruit, honey, bread- make sure it is your best. Sure there are guidelines, such as this one found in 2:12 AMP "As an offering of firstfruits you may offer leaven and honey to the Lord, but they shall not be burned on the altar for a sweet odor [to the Lord, for their aid to fermentation is symbolic of corruption in the human heart]."

Fermentation is symbolic of corruption in the human heart... WOW. So now I'm asking myself, 'what is fermenting in my offering to the Lord?'

Unfortunately, I've come up with a ton of stuff. Until you really ask that question and mean it- you've got to mean it- you go around thinking 'I'm okay. I don't hurt anybody with my tv watching. The shows that I choose I wouldn't let my kids watch, but they are fine for me. The books I read aren't influencing my life any. That friend is so much fun! Why would that person be bad for me? I don't need to take care of this body. One day I'll live in Heaven and this body won't matter then.'

I'm feeling convicted here. If our lives are meant to be an offering to God, and our offerings are to be of the first fruits- the best of what we have to give- How can I rationalize away those first fruits. That makes me no better than Cain who eventually killed Abel because of his jealousy of God's favor.

I know the first thing I am going to work on is taking better care of this body. Last year I lost nearly 45 lbs and as I sit here typing a year after beginning that diet, I am right back to where I was. I have let a worldy injustice rob me of my health and of my first fruit offering to God. If you are reading this and see me with something not so good for me and it is not one of my three cheat meals in the week (One each day- Friday-Dinner, Saturday- Dinner, & Sunday- Lunch) I give you permission to remind me of my first fruits and ask me if I am giving my best to my Lord.

What areas of your life are you letting ferment and corrupt your heart? What do you need to lay at the feet of Jesus and say:

"Lord, You have power of this area in my life. I have been letting things of this world, desires of my flesh, and selfishness keep me from giving You the best of what I have to offer. Walk along side me, Lord, and help me when I am weak. Take away this sin and replace it with good and righteous habits. Make my heart renewed with a desire to serve You and offer You my best. For it is only my best that pleases You, only my best that You deserve. In Jesus' name, Amen!"

Rant

So Feelings. I know nobody wants to breech this subject. However I would like to address something that I think has fallen away from some people's priority list.

There is always validity in the way someone feels. You may not understand it. It may not be logical, but if someone feels a certain way it is not only rude- but hurtful- to belittle their feelings. If you love someone you would never belittle them purposefully.

If someone says they felt sad because they had lost someone they loved- no one in the world would tell them they shouldn't feel that way or make their feelings sound irrelevant or dumb. So why would we do that with something that isn't so understandable.

Our perspective on situations or events in our lives are our own. No one else comes to the party with the same experiences, thoughts, ideas, or history- therefore the perspective is understandably different. For this reason and this reason alone, you can not possibly fully understand why a person feels the way they do about something.

Just because you do not understand or feel the same way does not mean that there is no validity in them.

So now you may be asking in what ways can I show validity to someone's feelings, while at the same time not agreeing with them. Well, I can't pretend to have all the answers, but one way is to not interrupt them and correct/criticize their vocabulary. You can wait until they have finished speaking and then try to clarify their feelings by restating using a different description that may be more clear to you. You might try asking questions to try to get a handle on the perspective they are expressing.

I don't have all the answers, but I can say this. When you belittle someone's feelings it is a personal attack on their heart- whether you intend for it to be or not. You may not understand it, you may not feel the same way about it- but you have no right to tell someone they shouldn't feel a certain way about something that happened to them.

Are you wondering now if you have ever been the person to make someone feel belittled about their feelings? What might you do about it? How can you repair the relationship you may have and more than likely have damaged (even if just a little bit)? I would start by doing what you could have done in the first place- show that you understand that while your perspective may be different you see validity in the way a person feels. If that doesn't work- which I'd be surprised if it didn't at least take the first step in the right direction- you could apologize for not understanding before and just in case it hurt them let them know that you hope they can forgive you because you value them and their role in your life.

What if I am in the habit of not valuing a loved ones feelings and it goes beyond just once or twice and my apology doesn't seem to be enough? Ask them what you can do to show that you are genuine. Do your best to live up to their expectations of an apology- remembering that only they can speak to their perspective and what will help them feel reassured.