My journey through Leviticus

So as I am continue to read Leviticus, I am wondering what would it have been like to be there on that first day when all the offerings had been given at the Tent of Meeting and out of no where fire comes down from the sky and consumes the offering? All of this comes from Leviticus 7-9, mostly 9.

The scripture tells us that the people shouted and fall on their faces. Here you are observing the first offering in this awesome place and the glory of the Lord shows up- better than awesome! and then as if that isn't enough fire comes out from before the Lord and consumes these offerings that had just been made on your behalf.

I'm wondering what was in the minds of those people. I'd love to hear the stories they have to tell. I would imagine some would say 'I was doing my daily routine and Moses called out to us. So I put down what I was doing and was one of the first to arrive. Then Aaron and his sons start throwing blood on me. My wife is not going to like getting the blood stains out of this tunic! and then after the blood, Aaron blesses us. Then this wonderful, peaceful feeling came over me as I knew that something awesome was happening. A cloud descended from the sky and the presence of the Lord was felt by all who were around. Then suddenly seemingly out of no where fire comes down and captures the offerings. I am awestruck and the only thing I can do is shout praises to the Lord and fall to my knees with my face to the ground. This is a day I will remember for all time!'

Try to find a moment today to be so amazed by what God has done that the only thing you can do is shout praises to the Lord and fall face down onto your knees. He is good in all things.

Leviticus 1-3

*Note- Yesterday when I originally posted this, I had posted it as Numbers 1-3... But I really was in Leviticus. Enjoy!

I am reading Leviticus right now. I'm not sure why Leviticus, but that is where I am. This morning I read the first three chapters. To sum it all up, it is about what you are giving to the Lord. It is very redundant- which says to me there must be something in this. Bring your first fruits- bring your best. No matter what you bring, in this case as an offering- grain, animal, fruit, honey, bread- make sure it is your best. Sure there are guidelines, such as this one found in 2:12 AMP "As an offering of firstfruits you may offer leaven and honey to the Lord, but they shall not be burned on the altar for a sweet odor [to the Lord, for their aid to fermentation is symbolic of corruption in the human heart]."

Fermentation is symbolic of corruption in the human heart... WOW. So now I'm asking myself, 'what is fermenting in my offering to the Lord?'

Unfortunately, I've come up with a ton of stuff. Until you really ask that question and mean it- you've got to mean it- you go around thinking 'I'm okay. I don't hurt anybody with my tv watching. The shows that I choose I wouldn't let my kids watch, but they are fine for me. The books I read aren't influencing my life any. That friend is so much fun! Why would that person be bad for me? I don't need to take care of this body. One day I'll live in Heaven and this body won't matter then.'

I'm feeling convicted here. If our lives are meant to be an offering to God, and our offerings are to be of the first fruits- the best of what we have to give- How can I rationalize away those first fruits. That makes me no better than Cain who eventually killed Abel because of his jealousy of God's favor.

I know the first thing I am going to work on is taking better care of this body. Last year I lost nearly 45 lbs and as I sit here typing a year after beginning that diet, I am right back to where I was. I have let a worldy injustice rob me of my health and of my first fruit offering to God. If you are reading this and see me with something not so good for me and it is not one of my three cheat meals in the week (One each day- Friday-Dinner, Saturday- Dinner, & Sunday- Lunch) I give you permission to remind me of my first fruits and ask me if I am giving my best to my Lord.

What areas of your life are you letting ferment and corrupt your heart? What do you need to lay at the feet of Jesus and say:

"Lord, You have power of this area in my life. I have been letting things of this world, desires of my flesh, and selfishness keep me from giving You the best of what I have to offer. Walk along side me, Lord, and help me when I am weak. Take away this sin and replace it with good and righteous habits. Make my heart renewed with a desire to serve You and offer You my best. For it is only my best that pleases You, only my best that You deserve. In Jesus' name, Amen!"

Rant

So Feelings. I know nobody wants to breech this subject. However I would like to address something that I think has fallen away from some people's priority list.

There is always validity in the way someone feels. You may not understand it. It may not be logical, but if someone feels a certain way it is not only rude- but hurtful- to belittle their feelings. If you love someone you would never belittle them purposefully.

If someone says they felt sad because they had lost someone they loved- no one in the world would tell them they shouldn't feel that way or make their feelings sound irrelevant or dumb. So why would we do that with something that isn't so understandable.

Our perspective on situations or events in our lives are our own. No one else comes to the party with the same experiences, thoughts, ideas, or history- therefore the perspective is understandably different. For this reason and this reason alone, you can not possibly fully understand why a person feels the way they do about something.

Just because you do not understand or feel the same way does not mean that there is no validity in them.

So now you may be asking in what ways can I show validity to someone's feelings, while at the same time not agreeing with them. Well, I can't pretend to have all the answers, but one way is to not interrupt them and correct/criticize their vocabulary. You can wait until they have finished speaking and then try to clarify their feelings by restating using a different description that may be more clear to you. You might try asking questions to try to get a handle on the perspective they are expressing.

I don't have all the answers, but I can say this. When you belittle someone's feelings it is a personal attack on their heart- whether you intend for it to be or not. You may not understand it, you may not feel the same way about it- but you have no right to tell someone they shouldn't feel a certain way about something that happened to them.

Are you wondering now if you have ever been the person to make someone feel belittled about their feelings? What might you do about it? How can you repair the relationship you may have and more than likely have damaged (even if just a little bit)? I would start by doing what you could have done in the first place- show that you understand that while your perspective may be different you see validity in the way a person feels. If that doesn't work- which I'd be surprised if it didn't at least take the first step in the right direction- you could apologize for not understanding before and just in case it hurt them let them know that you hope they can forgive you because you value them and their role in your life.

What if I am in the habit of not valuing a loved ones feelings and it goes beyond just once or twice and my apology doesn't seem to be enough? Ask them what you can do to show that you are genuine. Do your best to live up to their expectations of an apology- remembering that only they can speak to their perspective and what will help them feel reassured.

random thoughts I guess

So, I'm thinking that I need some soul time. Some time to sit and reflect, to listen, to question, and to come away a renewed and new person. I'm feeling brought down and consumed by so many things- so many trivial things- that I have all but omitted a very important part of my life.

So what am I going to do about this? I'm going to leave on the train tomorrow and spend some time with my family. Then when I get back I am going to find a way to get rid of the crap that is clouding my life. Also I am going to try to get a job for the fall.

On that note, I must say I am feeling a little bit like having my own day care out of my home. I don't know how to begin, what requirements I would have to meet, or what it would look like, but I would love to be able to work from home. One thing I have noticed is that when I am home with no one else around I want to sit and do nothing all day- but when there are kids around, I feel like I can't sit and must do something. The dishes get done daily, the floors get swept frequently- things just run more smoothly when I am distracted by someone else being in the house. (I think this is good news for when we do have kids!)

Like I said Random thoughts....

How different

So I got the new yesterday that the baby we were planning to adopt was born yesterday. How different our lives would have been if that adoption had gone through. Instead of planning what I would be bring to our friends house for dinner, I'd be rocking my son. Instead of wondering what the woofing of my friend's dog means, I'd be wondering if my son were hungry or dirty. (I think she just wants to chase squirrels, but I can't see any out the door so I'm not positive...) Of course instead of blogging about what might have been, I'd be blogging about what was actually happening.

I know that God has a better plan for us and that in His time we too will have our child, but I am still scratched by the rough of it.

This infant boy now belongs to another couple. A couple who live in California and have been waiting for their baby for 14 years. I can only imagine waiting 14 years. I cannot call him my own. I will never know what he looks like, nor how he smells right after a bath, nor kiss his precious head- but I will mourn the loss of him yet once again. I guess in some freaky way I thought maybe God would give him to us at the last minute. Oh well. Our time is coming.

Knowing your Enemy

So, when any good defender goes into the game he has spent countless hours preparing their game plan. He knows his opponents' weaknesses and strengths as well as his own. He has prepared a game plan to accentuate the weaknesses of the opponent and his own strengths.

So, you may ask, what is my point. Well, we have an enemy walking among us. Working alongside us, eating at the same places we eat, and also living in our own houses. Our enemy has been around LONG before we were in existence. He was an enemy of all of our relatives and goes all the way back to creation.

Our enemy is Satan. There are many names for him, but Satan is perhaps the most universally used name for our enemy. So, my question for anyone reading this is this...

Are you ready to stand against him?

God calls us to stand firm in the faith against this enemy. He does not ask us to defend against him. He doesn't call us to fight Satan, but simply to stand and let God fight the battle for us.

But, in order to stand, you must know where this enemy shows himself in your life. You must be prepared to fight, knowing that you are really preparing yourself to stand up tall, to maneuver through this world different from those who have not chosen to believe.

Where is Satan moving his sneaky hand in your life? Who/what is he using as a temptation to get a hold on you? What have you let slip in your life? What truth are you questioning because of Satan.

For me, Satan is using this situation with my job and the lack of understanding His plan, the fear I have of the near future, and the sadness I feel as a result of these things to inch his way into my daily life. Satan has also used my desire to be a mother and the pain associated with not achieving that goal to chip away at my faith.

How does that help me? Well, I now know that this is Satan trying to pry me out of my Father's arms. I can prepare myself to stand against this tactic and strengthen my faith.

What areas of weakness in your life is Satan trying to get at? What are you going to do about that? Are you going to stand and stop allowing him to slide in? or Are you going to let Satan pull you one step at a time off of he Path God has led you to? Satan will never throw you off a ledge to get to Hell. He will escort you one step at a time.

I leave you with this.

"Be strong in the Lord and in the power of His might. Put on the whole armor of God, that you may be able to stand against the wiles of the devil. For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this age, against spiritual hosts of wickedness in the heavenly places.

"Therefore take up the whole armor of God, that you may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand. Stand therefore, having girded your waist with truth, having put on the breastplate of righteousness, and having shod your feet with the preparation of the gospel of peace; above all, taking the shield of faith with which you will be able to quench all the fiery darts of the wicked one.

"And take the helmet of salvation, and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God; praying always with all prayer and supplication in the Spirit, being watchful to this end with all perseverance and supplication for all the saints...." Ephesians 6:10-18

Stand firm Brothers and Sisters of Christ!

Father, We call upon you to create in us an awareness of the places Satan was found as our weakness. We ask that you will hold us up when we are weak and fill us with your TRUTH so that we can stand with you against this enemy and remain strong. Help us to dress each day with your armor and to prepare ourselves for this battle we face each day. It is only through your Son, Jesus that we can come to you. Amen!

What next

So I recently found out that my former employer, the one who decided it would be fun to ruin my career in a number of ways, is officially leaving next week for a job in California.

I had just come to terms with everything and gotten to a point of joy within the storm. Why? is my biggest question. Why did he do this to me? Why does he get to find a new job so quickly doing what he loves and I either don't get to or have to wait until the last minute to do it? and ultimately Why me? What purpose does God have for me in this?

I know we aren't supposed to ask why me. We aren't supposed to compare ourselves to other etc, etc, etc. But right now I really just want to know where is He taking me here. What is the next step? and at the same time I"m wondering what could possibly be coming my way next....

You just can't help but be warmed in the heart.

So I have these dear, dear friends who have three children together and one child from a previous marriage. The oldest child is a girl ad she lives out of state. It has been a while since she has been in town to visit and even though they have traveled to see her and she has gone to visit them at a vacation home, I gotta say there is something so heart warming about seeing her in their home tonight.

Maybe I am just a fruit loop or maybe I see more than is really there, but the kids were so excited to see her there and my friends seemed so happy to have her there and it just seems like the complete family is there now. I left with a huge smile plastered on my face because I just know that if my heart is full because of this, that the hearts of my friends must be overflowing with joy. Many blessings to you all. I love you guys and I really couldn't ask for better friends!

New Found Joy

Something inside of me has changed. I've decided that allowing other people's choices to steal my daily joy has gone on long enough. Maybe too long.

My joyousness began yesterday when I really felt like I made a difference in a young man's day. You see he is one of my dearest students. He has carved out a place in my heart and he was by himself on the playground, shootin' hoops.

I was about to go inside and work, when I thought I would go and talk to him. I asked him if I could shoot hoops with him and he gave his normal shrug of the shoulders and grunting of "sure". So I shot a few basket and finally we began to chat about why he was playing all by himself. Apparently he had lost the privilege of playing kick ball. We talked about that and he said all the other kids would rather play kickball and he apparently was not happy about it. In a few minutes we went from just shootin' around to "playing" basketball. Shortly another young boy came to play against Mrs. Cook. Then two young girls came to join me and eventually almost the entire class was there playing a hard core game of basketball.

I can't help but think that if I had not taken the steps toward that basketball goal, his afternoon would not have been spent with a smile on his face- and maybe mine would have been gone too.

Then when I woke up today I just decided that I was not going to let the "world" get me down. I was going to be the person I wanted to be and not let anyone or anything tell me any differently.

I went to church. Worshiped. Was fed by the Spirit. That is when I realized that it had been slightly longer than 24 hours since I had felt down and out. Felt the pressures of the world. and even since I had any feeling of sorrow!

To be clear, nothing has changed at work. There is no job on the horizon. Our adoption is still off for now, but for the first time since March 5th I have joy where I used to have pain and sorrow.

God is so Good!

Lord Let me Be...

Lord, Let me be the woman you created me to be. Let me be the teacher I have committed to being. Let me be a barnicle that attached itself to you the ROck and solid foundation. Let my feet be sure. Let my words be truth. Let my heart be yours. Let my life be what you will. But Lord, mostly today, let me be rejuvinated in the Spirit. Let the meadows of my life bloom with flowers and rejuvinated life. Father I pray fo life today. Lord let me be alive in You today.

Wondering if I should allow myself to wonder...

This is going to be a pretty personal blog. If you don't want to read about lady cycles (really just the timing of them) then you may not want to continue...

So, since losing weight I've returned to having a lady cycle. At first it was once every 2 months and then it was once every 6 weeks and then finally in March I had my first 28 day cycle in almost 10 years. It was glorious to think that my body was being victorious. So, of course since Nick and I are still "trying" we counted the days and did the right stuff on the right days. You must also know that I've added a little bit of the weight back to my body- all the while figuring out that yes I am an emotional eater. Well, here it is 5 weeks later and I am wondering if I should even allow myself to wonder at the potential of this "lateness". Yes I realize that "lateness" can be due to many different things, and yes maybe it is just wishful thinking, but here is a piece of Truth for you to consider before weighing in - since I have so many readers/commenters out there... god made a promise to answer prayers and to give us the desires of our hearts. God can heal people and has in the past. God gave me a verse mantra for this year and I feel very strongly that this is my year. (I may be thinking Hallie time instead of God time, but that is not unusual...)

In April there was no hint of a cycle. Well, that is not 100% true. Once right before my mom's visit there was one time that I sat down to tinkle and a little spotting had occurred, but I would not consider that a monthly cycle. Not even close to it.

So what do I do? I guess I'll just sit around and wait. I guess if I start throwing up in the next few days or weeks I'll have my answer. right?

Big weekend

Nick and I have these dear friends that we get together with practically weekly. Their youngest has called it the BIG family, so we hung on to it. This weekend the Big family is gathering (daily) to celebrate a comfirmation into the church, a baseball game, soccer games, and a baptism. I am so looking forward to this time together. It will be such a special weekend.

Here's to you Harry D Bear! We love ya!

Total Protection

We all imagine what our lives will be like in the future. We plan for marriage, we plan for parenthood, and for our future career. Somewhere in there if you are a church goer, (I say that because even though you may or may not go to church regularly does not say anything about your relationship with Christ) you decide that since you are a Christian everythin will work out for you. Don't worry I made that mistake too. I assumed that since God was looking out for me, that He would be the heliocopter parent that swoops in and would never let me bump my head or skin my knee. After all what loving parent wants to see their child hurting. Right? ... right? ... WRONG!



You see, in my 'old age' (almost but not quite yet 30) I have come through more pain and tough times in the past 6 years than I ever planned for- really in the past nearly 30 years, but I don't want to get into the long ago stuff). Each time God has a new piece of Himself to give me. The first major pain lesson was humilty. I thought I had this perfect job wrapped up and tucked away in my pocket- WHACK! Here is your lesson. Do NOT think more of yourself than you should.



The second pain lesson came less than a year later, when I had gotten reassigned at my job. This was the lesson of planning or trying to dictate to God what He was going to do... WHACK! Nick and I had the perfect plan. After working for only one year, we would have paid off all of our college financial mistakes and my student loans, we would then purchase two new cars and get our first house. God must have laughed for a LONG time about that one... Nick and I are still paying for those mistakes, still driving those same old cars, and have just now spent the last 6 months in our beautiful new to us home. Lesson learned- God has a plan of his own and no matter how hard you plan for your life, if it isn't what God has planned for you, guess what. You'll be on the floor with me and all the other people who are getting pain lesson right along side of us.



Life throws curve balls at you. Thigs you don't plan for. Shortly after this latest lesson, I go and take care of my mom after her knee surgery. When I came back, Nick and I decided to start a family. We had been married for a year and even though I wasn't working, it just seemed the right thing to do. This is the pain lesson that just keeps coming... Patience with a little bit of Trust me poured on the top... 5 years later and we are still childless. God's plan for our family did not begin in 2005 as we thought it would. This road has been the longest. Ths pain lesson has been the hardest. That could only mean one thing. This pain lesson will have the best results!



For awhile, that was the only pain lesson God was teaching me. For awhile things were great. but just when you think it is smooth sailing, the waters get choppy and the wind starts knocking you from one side of the boat to the other. Super news! Here is you rnext pain lesson.



I know you must be thinking, how many more pain lessons can there be? Haven't I learned enough? Haven't I proven myself to you? Remember this- we NEVER stop learning!



Th most recent pain lesson is this- Know who your friends are. Trust that I have something better for you. Do not fret over where you will live, what you will eat, or how will you pay the bills. God is working on me right now. He wants me trust Him to provide exactly what we need. It is funny to see how my ideas of what i need are changing. my priorities are different just in the past few months.

Don't come to Jesus thinking that it means smooth sailing and that there will be no more trouble. Think of it as your total Protection Plan. Yes our Father is going to protect you from the really bad stuff. However this Protection Plan is just what it sounds like. A hand under your boat to keep it afloat and guide it along the way. He is the lighthouse by which you can guide your ship through a storm.

Look to the Father when you are suffering during one of his Pain lessons... Look for me. I get them a lot! :)

Praying for each day

Father,
I come to you softly. Praying for each day to run smoothly. Asking you to bless the people around me. Seeking your arms to hold me when I am weak, afraid, sad, lonely, or melting. I beg for forgiveness, for confidence, for encouragement. I pour over the thought of you, over the picture I have of you in a comfy recliner with your huge arms outstretched beckoning me to come and let you old me and comfort me as only a father can do. Today, and everyday, Lord I seek you to find me and make me who you want me to be. Give me your love for others. Show me where to reach out, tell me who I need to pray with. Guide my every word, action, and step.
Amen.

People disappoint me

You know how sometimes situations just fall into your lap and you may act without thinking or maybe you act with someone else's best interest in mind- you think you are doing the right thing. Well, this situation recently presented itself, and I allowed it to play out. I was honest with people and helpful and what do I get? I end up losing four friends and all over something I didn't even ask for.

I am very disappointed by this. I have been nothing but a faithful and loving friend to these people and when one thing happens that they don't like they turn on me as if I was never their friend.

I am so tired of fake friends or people who want to be around you only out of convenience. They use you and leave you when they are done with you. I'm done. I'm done trying to be friends with people. I'm done being the one who always goes the extra mile. If you want to be with me, if you think I add value to your life, then you know where to find me.

random thoughts by Hallie

So, I'm home alone tonight. Nick had to go to For Worth and for some reason this has left me in a HUGE funk! Don't get me wrong I have loved being home this week and reminding myself of the fun staying at home can be, but for some reason every interaction I had with people today pretty much ticked me off for one reason or another... and all I want to do is go on a big shopping spree. I even risked going out to do that and only found $30 worth of stuff that I was willing to spend money on.

Gone are the days of feeling better after spending a bunch of money. what a bummer... but not really.

So 2010 has begun and after 2 1/2 months I can't say that it is looking like a great year. It began with a probable adoption, continued with news of the adoption falling through and the wait becoming longer, and has now come to a place where God has closed a door that I wasn't sure I wanted closed. Now I am stuck searching for the window that was opened.

Wish me luck in this search as it may be a difficult search. Well, if you are reading this, I guess I may have either bored you into never reading again or severely depressed you. For those of you who are now in need of a "pick me up"... Remember that even when I am feeling down, my Father in Heaven is here holding me and comforting me, helping me to know that His plan is perfect and Holy. My prayer is that His will will be my will.

Dear Snuggle Butt,

Dear Snuggle Butt,

Our wait for you has been lengthened. We thought we knew who your birth mother was going to be, but unfortunately sh has decided to take a different path. Only God knows when you and I will finally be able to look into each other's eyes and give each other soft kisses. For now, just know that your momma loves you and I can't wait to see you and to buy things for you and to make you feel all of my love.

Love forever,

Momma

Dear Father,

Please do not make the wait too long. I can't wait to hold this precious gift in my arms and raise him or her to love and serve you!

Forever, in Jesus' name,

your Daughter