random thoughts I guess

So, I'm thinking that I need some soul time. Some time to sit and reflect, to listen, to question, and to come away a renewed and new person. I'm feeling brought down and consumed by so many things- so many trivial things- that I have all but omitted a very important part of my life.

So what am I going to do about this? I'm going to leave on the train tomorrow and spend some time with my family. Then when I get back I am going to find a way to get rid of the crap that is clouding my life. Also I am going to try to get a job for the fall.

On that note, I must say I am feeling a little bit like having my own day care out of my home. I don't know how to begin, what requirements I would have to meet, or what it would look like, but I would love to be able to work from home. One thing I have noticed is that when I am home with no one else around I want to sit and do nothing all day- but when there are kids around, I feel like I can't sit and must do something. The dishes get done daily, the floors get swept frequently- things just run more smoothly when I am distracted by someone else being in the house. (I think this is good news for when we do have kids!)

Like I said Random thoughts....

How different

So I got the new yesterday that the baby we were planning to adopt was born yesterday. How different our lives would have been if that adoption had gone through. Instead of planning what I would be bring to our friends house for dinner, I'd be rocking my son. Instead of wondering what the woofing of my friend's dog means, I'd be wondering if my son were hungry or dirty. (I think she just wants to chase squirrels, but I can't see any out the door so I'm not positive...) Of course instead of blogging about what might have been, I'd be blogging about what was actually happening.

I know that God has a better plan for us and that in His time we too will have our child, but I am still scratched by the rough of it.

This infant boy now belongs to another couple. A couple who live in California and have been waiting for their baby for 14 years. I can only imagine waiting 14 years. I cannot call him my own. I will never know what he looks like, nor how he smells right after a bath, nor kiss his precious head- but I will mourn the loss of him yet once again. I guess in some freaky way I thought maybe God would give him to us at the last minute. Oh well. Our time is coming.